About Home

It’s been almost 22 months since Laura died. I am still untangling administrative & estate matters and I am finally getting around to the emotionally draining side of dealing with a lot of her personal possessions and shared memories scattered around our house. I have also decided that I need to move out, at least for now. I’ve felt that way for a while. It no longer feels like a home to me which is really sad because it was a place we both loved creating and building together and we were proud of it. At the moment it just feels a bit too oppressive and heavy to be here alone. Maybe one day that will change but for now, I have to give it space.
It’s been hard to get here, but you also can’t force it. Living surrounded by so many memories has impacted me and my relationships with others far more than I have been willing to admit. After a painful recent catalyst which lead to more heartache and with the benefit of a bit more time and separation, I am finally feeling ready to go there - it fucking sucks on so many levels and it’s not something you can rush, but it finally feels like time.
This is the part of grief & loss that is hard to really explain - how do you decide what to keep or not? Who do you give it to? Do you sell it? Does that cheapen things? What photos do you keep? There are no right answers, only feelings and instincts and it’s unfortunately something that only me and those closest to her can decide on. At times I have to be almost clinically ruthless in how I approach it, allowing myself to think or feel too much would just be too painful.
I do ask LK for guidance at times and I work, then I cry, then I work some more, then I cry some more - I step outside for fresh air, I vent to friends and family and I have screamed out loud more than a few times, then I go back in. It’s draining on so many levels, but it has to get done, so I do it. It’s the only way that life moves forward. Not forgetting, but also trying to keep on living, to keep on loving - it’s what she would want. It’s ultimately what I want.
I really miss you Mister